1. |
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You could be all alone if you wanted to
Delete the names from your phone, why don't you
You always blow off your friends in the end anyways
After a couple of days you'll be pulling out hair, begging someone to stay
She's watching you let time slip by
Concocting fables, constructing lies
You shouldn't hide what you do from the person you love
But that doesn't seem to stop you; you keep disregarding all instruction
You're burning out at both ends
You're burning out at both ends
The ticking clock in a bathroom stall
You suck your teeth, you snort Adderall
Only twenty-one and you hate what you've become
Maybe you can start again, live a life that's not yet begun
How many words can you fit on a page?
How many times can you change your Facebook name?
It seems like all you do is try to be someone else
If you could redirect even half that effort you'd be fine with yourself
Oh, probably not
Probably not
You're gonna be all alone, whether you want to or not
Gonna drink until your friends are simply names you forgot
Waste away in your room, anonymous
You love the feeling, but hate its consequence
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2. |
Abuse #2
02:48
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A halo of bats and a halo of trees
A halo for you and a halo for me
We're angels when we're sleeping
We're a modern disease
Inspired talks around the table
We choke down drinks til we can't think
We wash our dishes in the sink
We laugh hard about the good times
It's more sincere than when we speak
Consume me, dirty dirt
C'mon man, I know you'll make it hurt
I'm getting what I deserve
I'm getting what I deserve
Prowling circles, perched on bridges
Losing lovers to their thoughts
My mind's escaping into nothing
Thanks to all the cocaine everyone brought
Now we're wrestling time backwards
Lonely bastards with no wives
They both mad their way back inside
We laugh hard about the good times
While our words wither and die
Consume me, dirty dirt,
C'mon man, I know you'll make it hurt
I'm getting what I deserve
I'm getting what I deserve
Consume me, Sir Absurd,
C'mon man, let's see if it even hurts
You'll give me what I deserve
Just give me what I deserve
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3. |
New Sad Song
03:37
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No one wanted to leave their house so we just stayed indoors for days
And we had a few drinks and smoked some pot and thought about all the things we didn't say
You and I, when we were trapped inside, I think we lost something dear
Somewhere in that bitter haze of voices we swallowed 'cause they were sayin' the shit neither one of us wanted to hear
You said "It's really hard to stay standing still when you keep begging me to run
Even though I know that the second I begin to move you'll tell me how much you can't stand my motion.
And you're so quick to make all these promises you never intend to keep
Still, you carry on and make them anyways without giving a shit about how much I or anyone else might bleed."
I was frozen on that couch, just something carved quickly from stone
Trying to determine if I could possibly swing facing the sadness of what we call life alone
If the truth was there then it was buried a million miles beneath the dirt
Beneath the hopes we dreamt of swimming in that lake, long before the things we used to love started to hurt
I said, "I hope you're here and present and aware of the fact that I can't go on
The idea of spending the rest of my life with you makes the years stretch out until they're impossibly long."
So I laced up my shoes, tied my bandana to my head, and made for the door
And left that apartment wishing I could remember the reason I'd excused my presence for.
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4. |
21st-Century Sailor
05:15
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I saw three crows on a live wire
But they looked like an albatross to me
And so tonight I'll start inventing a method
To convince you that I'm worthy of all your pity
A continuous construct, all psychic and disjointed
A lie that I'll tell you every day
Just when you notice my ideas are straight bullshit
You'll leave me alone and alone I'll stay
Whispers of worry while I'm wired for sound
I guess that you're still not around
The immaculate conception of the future we've both always feared
There's no one here to hear our hopes drown
The back seat of your car smelled like pestilence and privilege
And I felt for you but that's never enough
I searched for your eyes in the blind heat of midnight
I meant to utter love, but instead lust came pouring out all over the soiled leather
I know that deep down you will never forgive me
For that Absalom I urged you to abort
So loathe me, but also be wary of the bird
Limp and hung by chains, an omen that chokes my throat, drags bodies down, overboard from our boat
Time passes, and the bitter smell of arsenic and almonds grows and grows and grows and grows and grows and grows and grows etc.
Can you sense this? This imminent crashing of waves
Down the infinities of sea?
The weight that suffocates my voice
Will drag us to the depths if we never learn how to cut ourselves free
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5. |
Someway, Somehow
03:31
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We're watching Good Will Hunting and paying attention to Elliott Smith
Songs in the background of the film; we're not being careful with
Our hands—I think we want to lose control
We want some kind of physical affirmation
So our hands find their stations and of course we lose control
You and I and a couple of friends are getting high at the kitchen table
I'm not really sure if I should move, but I'd like to kiss you if I'm able
To lean over, to get any closer to you at all
My chair wobbles as I shift my weight
Talk about a bad decision, but I realize way too late and I fall
Every once in a while, you find a reason to care
Some switch flips on in your insides and you suddenly are aware
Of all the things you could do better, so much better than you do now
And the only goal in your rattled head is to get better someway, somehow
When I'm in my car I don't have the urge to flee north up 75
These days I don't feel like my only options are stay and die or leave and survive
I can drive my car without staring longingly at the sign for 275
Today I see past the false binary; I can stay right here and I'll be just fine, I'll make it out alive
I'm quitting smoking cigarettes—I brush my teeth twice a day
I'm trying hard to bite my tongue when I have something shitty to say
"Look out the window, Maggie, it's morning; the dew is drying now
Let's find a way to stay in bed for a few more hours, a few more hours someway, somehow."
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6. |
Dillhole Dies
03:34
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She never saw it coming, thought he had more self-control
But a few semesters as a simple number can really take their toll
They danced at the party, but he kept leaving her alone
To do lines of cocaine in the bathroom where a single lightbulb shone
So many faces without names
Choices that looked just like a game
He came back with a question
And a set of shaking hands
"Do you wanna fuck in the bathroom?
This is a request, not a demand."
She said "Sure" and followed him into his chemical lair
And they immediately preceded to tear at lips and grab at hair
From the kitchen the sound of faint music quietly rolled in
They humped to its steady tempo, but he felt needles on his skin
His heart pumped twice a second
A final moment beckoned
She almost thought he came inside her
But the look on his face wasn't quite right
His body, a quivering machine
Broken and barely alive
She screamed, "Oh my god, what the fuck is going on?"
It all fell apart, took a tragic turn, suddenly was wrong
A drop of blood ran from his nose down to the corner of his mouth
Then his lungs went still--he had lived far longer than he should've been allowed
She never saw it coming
Thought he had more self-control
Poor Dillhole
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7. |
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Failure's not an option, boys
That's not to say that I don't believe in you
We gotta hold down this fort, don't play coy
Don't imply that there's a single truth
I know that we're better than that
I know we're just stars on a map
And I know we're nothing bigger than that
Nothing more than the final, prize-winning lap
Now, Liver, you know it's your duty
To maintain the calmness, composure
Amidst all this chemical looting,
A search for some sort of closure
But, really, what is this closure?
The viciousness of covering over
All the shit that we love when we're sober
What do we love when we're sober?
And with the advent of interconnectedness
Who thought that we could ever care less
Than one but greater than zero
Take a picture of me, love, cause I'm you're hero
The ever changing image in the mirror
And the caricature of everything that you fear
I can't tell you that I'll ever get clearer
Or that I'll embody all that you hold dear
Your faith in me is so certain
A concrete structure that you're sure won't collapse
But there's a good chance I'll raze it all to the ground
Leaving relics of no value that'll never be found
So when you picture the future
When you build it up, piece by piece
What do you see for your reflection?
Does the image look anything like me?
The ever changing image in the mirror
And the caricature of everything that you fear
I can't tell you that I'll ever get clearer
Or that I'll embody all that you hold dear
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8. |
Noise and Fury
04:32
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I left you there without a thought
Trying hard to reconcile the reactions you'd wrought
But then you went and spat on it, you pissed away it all
When you got behind the wheel and put your car straight through a wall
Helpless, I saw you handcuffed beneath a tree
And selfishly I wondered, "What might this mean for me?
What might this mean for me?"
Eventually all the noise and fury broke through
And I did something awful, something less like me and more like you
I couldn't cope so I said to my best friend, "Hey, brother, let's do it right tonight.
I wanna lose my ability to feel; I wanna see and think in black and white."
Once we had started there was simply no room to stop
We carried it forwards until we had nothing left to chop
Nothing left to chop
And he said, "Look here, man, this isn't some kind of race—"
Shaking, I cut him off; I said, "I don't think I feel my face,
I just need a little space."
In that moment I realized
That I'd given you your chances and you'd given me mine
And the terrible truth shook my spinning head:
We're just two sides of the same coin
Same hungers and failings and inability to break free
So I'm forced to ask myself—what might this mean for me?
What might this mean for me?
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9. |
An Act of Will
02:49
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Maybe I should slow things down or, better yet, speed things up a bit;
I'm up for just about anything that makes me feel like I'm not losing it.
It's every one of those weekend nights that scuttle by in a drugged up blur
And the weekdays where I'm oh-so hungry for more and more and more
I always want more and more and more.
Even at 3 AM, when the chickens are cawing across the street,
And Brian, he says, "Hey, man, don't you dare go falling asleep.
Try to keep those eyelids up—let's see if we can watch the clock hit four.
Come on over, brother, and let me pour one more, one more, one more."
I'm always up for one more goddamned pour
But it's way too easy to forget the steps it took to get me all the way from A to B
And through an act of will, a leap through a mental hula-hoop, I can pretend that there's no blame on me
It looks like it's trial time again, I'm feeling all fucked out in the world;
Everything's a Technicolor nightmare, all I see's a chaotic swirl.
And my lady comes to me, chirps, "Don't you start to be a bore,
Will you feel any better if I cut you just one more?"
Go ahead, hun—cut me just one more.
Or how about when we were at that hotel with the band and we stayed up all night
And right when we began to see the first signs of the morning's light
I said to Jackson, "Hey, listen really closely man, I don't think I've felt this way before."
He said, "I can fix that easily, all you've got to do is take one more."
You bet your ass I was quick to take one more.
But it's way too easy to forget the steps it took to get me all the way from A to B
And through an act of will, a leap through a mental hula-hoop, I can pretend that there's no blame on me
What they call my conscience, I hear it argue from afar that I'm shirking all of my responsibilities
"That's too damn bad, kid, so why don't keep it to yourself while I make these choices that are slowly killing me, they're slowly killing me"
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The Captain's Head Tampa, Florida
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